


Earth

by Fandom_Stuff



Series: Suptober20 [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Death, Depressed Dean, Depression, Grief, Sad Dean, Sadness, Suicidal Dean, not a happy fic, thoughts of sucicde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26780998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Stuff/pseuds/Fandom_Stuff
Summary: This ficlet was written for the prompt 'earth' as a part of Suptober20 onTumblr
Series: Suptober20 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953955
Kudos: 11





	Earth

The cold wind bit at Dean’s nose and cheeks, darkening them with red, but he just bent his head against the chill and pulled his coat tighter around himself, continuing the short trek to the little clearing behind the bunker. 

His hands were wrapped around a small bouquet of roses and when he reached his destination, he paused, already feeling tears freezing on his face and sticking to his eyelashes like glue. He blinked a few times and sniffed as he wiped at his runny nose. 

“Hey, Cas,” he said quietly as he dropped to his knees and let the cold from the ground seep under his jeans. 

He looked up at the gravestone, at Castiel’s name written in block letters along the granite. Dean felt a sob shatter in his chest, not even making it out of his mouth. His shoulders hunched over as a cold gust of wind buffeted the back of his jacket, snaking under his many layers to whisper against his skin. 

“I miss you, buddy,” he said, his voice was jagged, as if he’d swallowed shards of glass. “I wish you were here.” 

But Cas wasn’t here. Cas hadn’t made it to the end. The empty had come for him and Dean had watched his best friend’s life drain out of him in a flash of white light as black goo overcame him, only leaving the shell of his long empty vessel behind. 

They’d burned his body, of course, gave Cas a hunter’s funeral, like they’d done before, but this time, Dean had insisted on burying his ashes behind the bunker. So, he’d dug a hole for the ern and placed his ashes deep in the earth. The earth that Cas had loved so much, the earth that he could never seem to abandon, that he would always come back to. Sam had told Dean that it wasn’t so much the earth that Cas came back to, but Dean. He’d said that wherever Dean was, Cas would be. But he couldn’t believe that, because if he believed it, then he let himself wonder what it would have been like to let himself be with the angel, he let himself think about how their lives could have been, if he’d just told Cas how he felt. No, it was easier to think that Cas had just loved this godforsaken planet so much that he couldn’t stay away. It had nothing to do with Dean. 

And yet, every day Dean kept coming back to see his best friend. He’d clear the snow from the headstone and place a new bouquet of roses at the base of the grave, ones that hadn’t frozen over in the night. He’d tell Cas about a hunt they’d been on, or something Jack did that would have made Cas laugh if he’d seen it. 

God, Dean missed Cas’ laugh. 

Cas’ laugh was like the sound of a running brook that washed over rough rocks, it was the sound of the birds singing in the early morning, it was the sound of the trees whispering to each other in the wind, it was the sound of the sun setting over the ocean’s rippling waves, and it was the sound of everything Dean’s heart had ever wanted, but everything he couldn’t have. 

“Sam’s thinking about retiring,” Dean said to the grave as he carefully arranged the roses against the headstone and took the frozen ones away. “I think I agree with him for once. we’ve done enough. It’s time we had some peace.” 

He let his hands run over the cold petals, trying to ground himself by letting the freezing flowers remind him that he was alive. He wondered how long it would take him to freeze out here. If it was possible to just sit against the headstone and talk to Cas until his heartbeat slowed and darkness crowded at the edges of his vision. 

He wondered if he’d go to heaven or hell, if there was even an option for him anymore or if he’d just float as atoms in the air. Part of him hoped that he’d end up in the empty. Even if he wasn’t awake, it would be enough just to know that Cas was there with him somewhere. 

The petals had begun to melt slightly in his warm touch, stinging his hands with the bitter kiss that only frost could give. He looked up at the pale blue sky as it passed over the gray world underneath and he looked at the trees around the bunker, as their leafless branches clattered together when they shivered against the wind. 

When he looked back at the grave, he let himself cave. He let the sobs rip themselves from his chest and claw their way up his throat. He let the tears melt his frozen cheeks, he let himself collapse like a supernova. 

The world was spinning. Everything hurt. The ground under his knees felt like concrete, the tears on his cheeks burned like the flames of fire, and his lungs screamed for air as if he were trapped underwater, drowning, while sealife swam around him, living so easily in the world that he was doomed to suffocate in. 

When he managed to suck in one gasp of air, he felt his fingers wrap tightly around the roses in his hands. He let the prick of thorns tuck themselves into the soft, pliable, skin of his palms, freeing the blood trapped there. 

He relished in the pain. It felt good, to feel something other than the black hole sucking away at his heart, other than the hand that was wrapped around his throat -cutting off his air supply, other than the aches that seemed to have embedded themselves in every part of his body, but that no pain medication could fix. 

So he let the thorns dig into his palms, he let his cries be carried up through the skeletons of trees, he let himself collapse onto the ground, curling in on himself as he wished for it all to stop. 

“Dean!?” 

Sam’s voice came to Dean in a fog and he felt hands shaking him, so he let his eyes open. 

“Shit, Dean,” Sam said as he tugged Dean into a sitting position. 

Dean let his brother pull him close, he let Sam pull the roses away from his hands, he let himself be hauled to his feet and guided into the bunker. 

He was shaking from the cold and his hands stung from the thorns, but he didn’t care. He just wanted it all to be over. 

Sam worked silently to clean and bandage Dean’s hands and then he forced him to drink a hot cup of tea, which tasted like dirt and grass. 

“Dean, you need help,” Sam said as he sat down beside Dean at the library table. 

“I’m fine, Sammy,” Dean muttered as he looked at the dregs of his tea. Dark specs floated in the water, and he thought of the empty, of the different entities gathered there, floating together in darkness. His heart clenched in his chest, knowing that Cas was one of those entities.

“You can’t seriously say you’re fine after how I just found you,” Sam retorted, bringing Dean out of his thoughts.

“Don’t worry about it, Sam,” Dean snapped, lifting his eyes to glare at his brother. 

“Dean, you can’t… I know he’s gone, but you can’t do this.” 

“Watch me,” he hissed. 

“Dean, you’ll kill yourself-” 

“Good!” It slipped from his mouth too quickly, but he couldn’t take it back now, even after seeing the horror that crossed over Sam’s face. He didn’t  _ want  _ to, he’d meant it. So, without another word, Dean stood and stormed off to his room, slamming the door so it echoed down the hall. He collapsed on his bed, face smushed into the pillow, while his eyes leaked with tears. 

He cried himself to sleep, and part of him, the broken, hopeless, part of him, hoped that he wouldn’t wake up, hoped that he could stay in his dreams forever, because at least in his dreams, he could be with Cas.   
  



End file.
